The hopes and fears of all the years…

I want my Christmas to be perfect.. 

Thursday December 23nd

Filled with nativity characters and swamped in darkness, our house resembles the stable at Bethlehem. Except Mary and Joseph had candles.
“Where's the torch,” screams Stuart from the kitchen. “Who’s taken the torch?”
“The same elves that take sellotape, scissors and gift wrap when you need them.”
“That's not helpful.”
“Baaa..” says Cameron, scampering around the floor, “I hope Santa brings me sellotape.”
The power is reset and the lights come on to reveal a Sheep, Gold Star and Trumpet Herald. I've been making costumes all day. And writing a script. People assume a nativity script is easy as it's the same plot ever year. But while it is the same plot, the words need work. Ask the guys who wrote the bible.

We may have light but we're still without power as the ring main keeps tripping.
“How am I going to print out the script?” I panic.
“Er, I think we have a bigger problem… like no heating, hot water or electricity in the kitchen.”
The magnitude of this dawns on me and my eyes fill with tears. All is lost. Christmas is ruined. With Christmas eve almost upon us and the fridge warming up Stuart heads off to the cellar in search of dodgy wires while I desperately try to dream up solutions. I remember an electrician friend up the road and decide tonight he will be our saviour.

Our tree without lights? It's just not right...

The lights are on in the electrician's house. He greets me in his dressing gown and I realise I am in my pyjamas. As he ushers me in out of the cold I find his wife is also dressed for bed and soon we’re are having a strange pyjama party around the tree. It's warm and Christmassy and for a moment I forget about Stuart in the cellar. But my conscience is pricked when they put another log on the fire. I spoil the moment with an outpouring of fears of a cold, hungry Christmas and my saviour promises to visit our stable in the morning. “Don't worry,” he reassures me, “It’s probably a fault with the circuit breaker, nothing major.”

Saturday December 24th

When I wake, Stuart is on the phone arguing with his mother. She’s changed her mind about coming to the nativity and won’t be persuaded. Too bad. I head off to photocopy scripts at the village shop and return to find my electrician having a cup of tea with Stuart. He’s already sorted out the power problem. “I just reset it,” he explains, “maybe it’s intermittent.” Hope is restored. “But if it does come back again, you could be looking at a rewiring job.” I don’t care. Christmas came back on with the electricity and I’ve a hundred tiny sandwiches to make for the nativity.

By sandwich one hundred Stuart’s mum has been persuaded to come but says she can’t because her car won’t start so Stuart heads off to collect her. Meanwhile I busy myself looking for gold, frankincense and myrrh looking presents under the tree but instead find a dead mouse.
“Is that a Christmas mouse?” asks Cameron.
I am too shocked to reply.

When Stuart breezes in with his mother we still haven't dealt with the body.
“Dead." whispers Hannah, "Mouse.”
We all look at the mouse. Then Stuart and I look at the power sockets next to the body and the tiny shreds of PVC, and a new reality dawns. The mice have nibbled away at our Christmas. All hope is lost.

You wouldn't find a dead mouse under this tree.. but that's not our house

“Why couldn't we bring the mouse?” Cameron sulks as we drive over the fell to the church.
“Because there wasn't a dead mouse in the stable.” I snap.
“Who says?”
“God says.”
“Baaa..” says the Sheep, squashed in the back with granny, a Gold Star and Trumpet Herald.

The baby Jesus is born. Mary looks suitably in love amid a random cast of two Stars, four Kings, three Angels and a Sheep. Hannah is the Gold Star, dressed in a gold Barbie dress with four foil stars pinned to the bodice. It looks horribly home-made. Next to her another little girl shines brightly in a glittering shop-bought silver star costume. Mary looks like she is dressed by Monsoon, with a taffeta white dress and blue flowing head piece. Her Sheep looks like he’s dressed by Oxfam with white cotton wool stuck to his jumper and recycled donkey ears from last year's play. But he is very emphatic in his lowing and thankfully doesn't produce any dead mice. The baby goes in his crib on the altar and all is calm.

My mind wanders from warm stable to cold house. I want my Christmas to be a perfect moment, something to remember, but not for no power, hot water, heating or a defrosting freezer. And then from the stable in front of me come words I recognise. I recognise them because I wrote them, well paraphrased them. “The baby Jesus brings hope into the world, tonight and for all nights.” Hope. We have each other and we have Hope.

I mention this revelation on the way home. My mother in law harrumphs. She lost all hope some time ago when she found the bottle.
“Pandora had Hope in the bottom of the box,” says Matthew, who finds Greek myths more interesting than biblical tales. “Zeus put in all the bad things in the world into her present. Things like fear and death. But he also put in a little bit of Hope. To help us deal with all the bad stuff.”

Sunday December 25th
5.30am and the kids are routing through their stockings. In the dark. I pick out their shadows on the landing. I have no idea if this is a power cut or if they're just canny enough to leave the lights out and hope we don’t notice. I can't bring myself to check. If Christmas is spoilt I don't want to know. I don’t want to lose hope.

If Christmas is spoilt, I don't want to know... 

We round the children up for church. Cameron has Heelies from Santa and puts them on. But he can't skate and falls over on the way to the car.
“You're not wearing those for church” I say.
“Dad says I can.”
I look at Stuart and envisage a recurring argument about our different parental attitudes to risk. I shrug. I don't want an argument on Christmas Day and pray Cameron doesn't get picked to do the offertory procession.

We are well into the third verse of Away in a Manger when Cameron is picked to do the offertory procession.

He totters down the aisle on tiptoe towards the helper before I can grab him. I watch as he is offered a crystal decanter full of wine. I envisage him skating up the aisle, overbalancing, legs going everywhere, the blood of Christ splattering over baby Jesus in the crib on the altar. We're going to be the 'and finally' on the local news tonight. Hope isn't enough here. This demands action. I sprint down the aisle after him.
“You can't do it,” I hiss at him. The priest moves to the front of the church to accept the gifts.
“He can't do it.” I hiss. People start to turn around and look, their attention wandering from the third verse. I grab the arm of the helper.
“He can't do it.” I hiss. “Because he's wearing roller skates!” The helper's eyes widen and he starts to giggle. “I thought he was walking funny because his trousers were too tight!” he whispers, before taking the wine up to the priest himself.

Whatever happens, we will bounce back

Back at home things are still warm and cosy. The fridge is humming and ice clinks in our glasses over Christmas dinner. Matthew puts on a bow tie and acts as host. There are no dead mice in the presents. It is a indeed a very Merry Christmas.

Monday December 26th

2.30am and I am woken by the burglar alarm. There is no power. The house is black once again. This is the work of mice. I decide against another pyjama party and resolve to wait till morning to call my electrician friend. Lying in the darkness I remember the priest's Christmas message about the light of the world, how a baby brought hope into the world in a stable in Bethlehem two thousand years ago, and how he is still here to help us overcome darkness. You can rewrite the words, but the story remains the same.

The Angel of the Lord came down, but still the lights didn't work

All is calm, even if it’s not bright. And I’ve got hope. Irrational, incredible, implausible hope. And in the peace of this black night I’m holding onto it.


This post is in the loop at MyChaosMyBliss and at DeliciousBaby Photo Friday circles. Visit them for links to other great Photo Friday stories.

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Liverpool People: Danny and Yazz give us The Old Dock Tour

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Liverpool has many well known sons, and daughters 

Liverpool is a city with many well known sons. From Bill Shankley in the Anfield spin off gallery Reds, to John Lennon lounging outside The Cavern Club, their images are crammed into the urban space.

Look behind the Liverpool Big Wheel, down near the Albert Dock, and you'll currently see an enormous Paul McCartney frozen in time, flashing his trademark peace sign to the gulls that hover on the breeze. Hannah and Cameron play about next to the poster advertising his latest concert and homecoming. They look like Barbie and Ken next to this mighty local giant. For three hours the other night, Macca was a real presence again in Liverpool, bringing back 'Yesterday' to thousands of middle aged fans playing the last night of his tour at the Echo Arena. But at the end of the concert he went back to being a song, a statue, a disc on a wall in Matthew Street.

The Beatles are just one of many Liverpool attractions 

While The Beatles still bring in the worshippers in their thousands, (826,000 day visitors a year to be precise), it's the more everyday people of Liverpool that keep the place ticking over, ensure that visitors have a good experience and communicate the essence of its past and its present. From the street sweepers to the staff at Visit Liverpool to the education officers in the new Museum of Liverpool, they are part of the city's modern character. They appreciate how much money tourism brings in and work to retain its reputation. Last year 54.5 million visitors experienced their hospitality and warm, friendly welcome. These people know this city. They are part of its beating scouse heart.

Through the porthole. Danny and Yazz show us how you can peer from the new commercial centre,
Liverpool One into history and see the remains of the original commercial hub, The Old Dock. 

Today we meet two of the most well informed people in the city. Danny and Yazz are tour guides at the Merseyside Maritime Museum. They communicate the city's part in the slave trade, and they show people the old Liverpool, deep beneath the multi million pound regeneration of Liverpool One. They are an accidental double act (Danny's the straight one of the comedy team, the foil to Yazz's mad hair, blue glasses and continual jokes) who individually stumbled across the job advert while working as night watchmen in the local museums. Now, three times a day, twice a week, they lead archaeologists, school groups, families and tourists on tours underneath the new space that is Liverpool One to see the original commercial foundations of the city, the Old Dock. Their guided Old Dock tour of the world's first commercial enclosed wet dock, is a free, entertaining and interesting look into the city's past. And, it has some really terrible jokes.

“Prince Albert sailed into here on The Fairy,” says Yazz.
“Not The Fairy Across The Mersey?” questions Danny.

Danny gives us the low down on the Old Dock

From a discussion of how Salthouse Dock was built, to an explanation of William Hutchinson's influential studies of tidal heights, the pair gear their talk to their audience. If you’re a historian they do dates. If you're an archaeologist they do rock formation. If you're aged eleven they do lightbulb jokes. And they never stop doing it, whatever the weather.

“Never cancelled one yet,” says Danny, as we cross the road from Salthouse Dock to the site where the Old Dock was excavated in 2001. “We did think about it a few days ago when the wind was howling and you could hardly see your face. We thought will anyone bother? And then we got someone who had flown in from Greece especially and had been looking forward to this tour for 18 months.”

The tour takes you under the city and into an atmospherically lit cavern that resembles a mini grand canyon where we stand looking at a brick wall. “Building the side of the port out of brick wasn't a great thing when you have huge ships coming in and bashing against it. But Liverpool learnt from its mistakes. They never built one out of brick again,” Yazz explains.

Underneath Liverpool One you can visit the Old Dock and see the 300 year old brick wall.

Down here I am reminded of the scouse Willy Russell character Shirley Valentine, who spent her entire day talking to a wall. But I can also imagine the tide pushing in and out, drawn by the moon, into this corner of Liverpool. I can imagine the workers on the dockside shifting bags of cotton and tobacco and tea. I can hear seagulls fighting over scraps and imagine what emigrants felt as they said goodbye to their loved ones and made for an unknown life in the new world. This port in its heyday handled 41% of world trade and I consider how Liverpool has come full circle, building its hugely successful shopping centre directly on top of its hugely successful dock. That's why the WAGS spend so much money. This city has shopping in its blood.

Danny and Yazz don't agree about everything. They argue cheerfully about how Liverpool was named, with Yazz snorting about Danny's King John theory. But they both agree that Liverpool One is good for the city and talk about how bleak the Albert Dock was twenty years ago, “Now everyone is back here again. Liverpool One acts as a fantastic link for the waterfront. We get people flying in all the time from other parts of the world who want to figure out how they can connect up their waterfronts and city centres.”

Yazz has no trouble keeping the boys engaged

Lavatory humour takes over as the lads explain how the dock closed and eventually turned into a big toilet, with 30 families excreting their waste beneath the walls. They impress the kids with the news that this all had to be cleaned up by an archaeologist with a toothbrush.

And then it's all over, and we return to ground level. “As we say in Liverpool, it's chucking out time,” the double act grin. They then wander off to do their next tour as we stand blinking and rubbing our eyes in Liverpool One; the shining beacon of shopping built on the foundations of an icon of world trade.

Read more from our  Liverpool Adventures: 

• You can go to the Republic of the Moon, FACT  
• Where's there's tea there's hope
• I lost my tooth to art, Palaces at The Bluecoat
• Down the Rabbit Hole at Tate Liverpool
• Danny and Yazz take us on The Old Dock Tour
• Meeting the Locals in the Friendliest City
• Sleeping with the Joker in the Albert Dock
• It's Like a Dream but Better
• I'm taking the kids back to my Liverpool Childhood

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Have you visited Liverpool? Seen the Old Dock? We'd love to hear your comments. Click comments below and tell us what you think.

Liverpool: The Friendly City

Liverpool's public commitment to Peace: The John Lennon Peace Memorial

"When they say 'Ello love, you alright?' - It's like nothing else.”
 Liverpool writer Carla Lane (quoted at the Museum of Liverpool.)

As a child growing up as a 'woollyback' (i.e. someone who lived just outside Liverpool), I wasn't aware people in Liverpool were different. Although I do remember that getting on a bus was problematic if you ever wanted to get off in a hurry; everyone had a life story and any ear was good enough. I’ll never forget the day I got trapped in a giant group hug on the top deck of a number 31, half the passengers wiping tears of joy off the other half. That was the day Margaret Thatcher was unceremoniously dumped as Prime Minister. She was particularly unpopular in this left leaning city.

Liverpool's an incredibly friendly place, even in the less glamorous parts of town .

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is Liverpool is a friendly place (unless you’re a Thatcher). And it’s not just me that thinks so. It's been named UK’s Friendliest City twice by readers of Condé Nast Traveller, most recently in September 2011. I can’t imagine how much hugging and loving there must have been at the finals with so many friendly contenders in one place.

I think we’re a pretty friendly lot where I live in Cumbria, especially compared to my experience in London. I mean at least we all say ‘Hiya’ in the street, even to strangers. But put us beside Liverpudlians and we start to look like we’re scowling. Liverpool is just in another league.

The owner of The Joker Boat starts calling me 'Kirst' two minutes into our second conversation; no one has called me Kirst since I was at school. People passing the boat ask to come in and have a look and I wonder if they’re going to stay for tea. And when Stuart is out taking pictures, he’s accosted by a youth with a spray can.

"You wanna meet me mate? He does this graffitti"

“I see you're taking pictures of graffiti. Do you like graffiti?”
“Errrr..I was trying to capture the contrast between cathedral and graffiti...” starts Stuart.
“My mate Stok did that graffiti. Just type his tag into the net and you’ll get a YouTube of ‘im and his stuff. Or I can show you if you like?” says Stuart’s new friend.
“Errr…”
“I like to get out and do photos of ‘em you know.. I could show the one near Bold Street..”

On our first night in the city we walk along the famous waterfront, past the Days Inn Liverpool, the Albert and Kings Dock and onwards up towards the Anglican Cathedral. By some cruel twist of fate we find ourselves walking through the graveyard of the Anglican Cathedral. I’m a little uneasy about this; it's dark, secluded and unlit, and like all graveyards has an edgy feeling. As we wind past the gravestones, I sense a hoodie shaped shadow in the trees. Why is a hoodie hanging around a graveyard? In Toxteth? Pusher? Robber? Druggy?

If you think Liverpool's Anglican Cathedral looks scary, you should try the graveyard

“A'right mate. How ya doing?” The man greets us with enthusiasm, pulling his hoodie tighter. Dark i’n’it, cold too. I've lost me dog. In the trees. Messy!”

A small dog bounds out of nowhere, flying across graves and scooting to a halt in front of us, then launches itself onto our thighs. The kids scream and run away.

“Don’t worry that’s the small one. Oy Messy. Back off, leave them alone,” says the young guy, trying to grab his puppy. The dog runs in and out of our legs while the scouse guy circles us shouting at the dog. “Messy. Stop it. Messy!”

“It's ok, he's not that messy,” I reassure him.

“Messy’s his name.” Then his expression changes. “No, Messy, not on her white coat! Sorry love, did he mess your coat? You bad dog, you messed her lovely coat.”

Now I'm feeling a bit self conscious, wearing a white coat in a graveyard and feel it's time to move on. But Messy’s having none of that. As we try to walk on he circles us, this friendly messy dog, leaving his hoodie master behind looking for the big dog. Messy follows us all the way to the top of the graveyard and into the street.

“He'll get lost. We'll have to take him back,” I say, panicking that we're about to get a dog for Christmas, and for life. I grab Messy and march him down the path, back to his owner, who is very pleased to see us.

“A'right love. You're a superstar you are.” He is so friendly I fear he is going to hug me.
On this dark night, in this edgy place, the hooded youth, his dog and I are bonded. On this chilly night this graveyard is full of warmth.

In the graveyards and the shopping malls, friendliness is everywhere.

Conde Nast readers were so right. Although I bet they never checked out the graveyards.

Read more from our  Liverpool Adventures: 

• You can go to the Republic of the Moon, FACT  
• Where's there's tea there's hope
• I lost my tooth to art, Palaces at The Bluecoat
• Down the Rabbit Hole at Tate Liverpool
• Danny and Yazz take us on The Old Dock Tour
• Meeting the Locals in the Friendliest City
• Sleeping with the Joker in the Albert Dock
• It's Like a Dream but Better
• I'm taking the kids back to my Liverpool Childhood

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Sleeping with The Joker

The Joker Boat is no joke. It's for real, in the heart of Liverpool, on the Salthouse Dock

A famous villain is in town. And I don't mean in the panto. In Liverpool's Salthouse Dock, strings of fairy lights pick out red lips and a white face, swaying and twitching in the black. Sirens blast past on the main road, adding to the urban noise. We walk down an icy ramp, unsure of what lies ahead, not knowing we are about to be seduced by The Joker.

The boat, named after the world's biggest trickster, immediately delivers on surprise. Two halves of the eerie face split apart, teeth flying into the wind. A man's face appears, brightly lit from behind. We are greeted by a blast of human warmth in the shape of Alfie; boss of Hollywood Limousines and owner of our floating luxury apartment.

“Welcome to Liverpool. Come on in.”

Beyond this pasty face and ruby lips lies a few days of  luxury..

We spill into our new home for the next three days and soon discover that The Joker is as bright on the inside as it is purple on the outside. The kitchen is gleaming, the bathroom furnishings seem to be made of glitter and a huge TV fills one of the walls. The kids are immediately drawn to a set of fuzzy little men kicking a ball around a pitch. Alfie slots glasses onto each of their their faces.

“3D,” he grins, before giving us a tour of the six berth boat that we found on the new accommodation service Wimdu.

This is floating accommodation with Hollywood style

On this Hollywood themed barge, movies feature heavily. The kids squeal as they realise there is a TV and DVD player in every bedroom, with a satellite dish providing hundreds of free channels. A life size picture of Marilyn Monroe sparkles above the sofa; her sequinned eyes seemingly following us around. But this isn't some Hollywood wannabe boat; apparently it's the real deal.

Alfie explains he found the Joker in an LA scrapyard when he was in the USA looking for engines and gear boxes for his fleet of seven limousines. “It was stuck in a corner painted in all these mad psychedelic colours. The six chrome turrets outside on top used to hold The Joker's machine guns,” he tells us. The boat was used as the location for the celluloid villain's home in the Batman movies. But unfortunately while Jack Nicholson survived the Hollywood editing process, his fictional home ended up on the cutting room floor. Further mishaps occurred when important film memorabilia sunk on the way to the UK when the side of the boat collapsed. But Alfie has made up for this by the luxury refit; The Joker is now something of a purple palace in a city that really knows how to do bling.

The Joker is currently alone in the Salthouse Dock, right next to the Albert Dock, but will soon be joined by two more Hollywood themed boats; Yellow Submarine; filled with Beatles memorabilia, and a partly submerged Titanic. As Britain marks the centenary of the sinking this year, it's a timely addition.

The Big Wheel may be outside the window, but the big attraction was the 3D TV

Alfie shakes our hands and departs, and we drag the kids away from the TV. Eventually. When they are tucked up in their purple cabin beds, we contemplate climbing onto the roof and 'dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight,' in homage to Batman's nemesis. But it's raining. And with underfloor heating, hundreds of channels of TV and six pairs of 3D glasses between two of us, we decide to curl up with a movie instead. No one said The Joker always had to party.

Fantastic, quirky accommodation, right in the heart of Liverpool

Read more from our  Liverpool Adventures: 

• You can go to the Republic of the Moon, FACT  
• Where's there's tea there's hope
• I lost my tooth to art, Palaces at The Bluecoat
• Down the Rabbit Hole at Tate Liverpool
• Danny and Yazz take us on The Old Dock Tour
• Meeting the Locals in the Friendliest City
• Sleeping with the Joker in the Albert Dock
• It's Like a Dream but Better
• I'm taking the kids back to my Liverpool Childhood

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Disclosure note: Thanks to the people at Wimdu who sponsored this page and provided a voucher to enable us to sample the service and bring you this story. More here about how Wimdu works. 

It's like a dream but better...

The Anglican Cathedral, Liverpool after the Holly Bough Carol Service

It's like a dream but better...

Fairy lit Christmas trees process down the aisle along with choristers, ministers, and The Pope. That's according to Cameron, who whispers it loudly as he passes. The rest of us smile politely at the Bishop of Warrington.

The Anglican Cathedral in Liverpool (not the wigwam shaped one - that belongs to the Catholics) is the largest in England and the annual Holly Bough carol service begins in semi darkness with Once in Royal David's City, sung by a solo chorister. It feels like he is alone amongst the vast arches and towering walls. But he isn't. At the end of the service, hundreds of people head through the gates, past the huge festive wreath, and down the stairs, to be swallowed up by this northern city.

“Is that our limousine over there?” It's likely. There are hundreds of people pouring out of Liverpool Cathedral on this dusty winter's evening. None of them are being picked up by an 8 seater Hummer.

Except us.

This eight person Hummer is one of the smaller Hollywood Limos

“How far are we going?” asks Cameron. I tell him it's a five minute ride.

“How much does that cost?” Cameron asks the driver, who gets out to open our doors and take a picture.

“About fifty grand,”says the driver.

“For five minutes! That's really expensive,” my son cries.

“I don't know about that. Some of our other limo's are worth up to a hundred and fifty grand,” says the driver.

“How many limousines does he have?” whispers Matthew, impressed. Having just watched a season of Young Apprentice on TV, he's interested in wealth creation.

There's much excitement inside the limo

The limo proceeds through town to much excitement within, and absolutely no excitement from the city of Liverpool. They are used to party buses and limousines.

“Dad's got a palm tree on his cheek,”

“I've got lasers going through my stomach!”

“I've got this neat button on my seatbelt. I don't even have to release it!”

“What if we had a crash. All those champagne glasses would be broken.”

The driver tells us we should have been here last week, when Herbert the celebrity hairdresser paid for Santa come over from Lapland, so local children could meet him. “It cost thousands,” he says. My children take this in, and I suspect they're starting to think everyone in Liverpool is seriously rich.

For a change Cameron is quiet. He's peering out through the front, over the shoulder of the driver. His face is framed by the illuminated Big Wheel.

"It's like a dream but better..." The Liverpool Wheel from the Hollywood Limo

“It's like a dream, but better,” he says quietly. The Pope, Santa, a limousine and now a giant Ferris Wheel. And we've only been here two hours. What more could this city provide for a nine year old in search of a little excitement?

The Joker Boat.

It's no joke.. it's the Joker Boat, Liverpool Albert Dock

Read more from our  Liverpool Adventures: 

• You can go to the Republic of the Moon, FACT  
• Where's there's tea there's hope
• I lost my tooth to art, Palaces at The Bluecoat
• Down the Rabbit Hole at Tate Liverpool
• Danny and Yazz take us on The Old Dock Tour
• Meeting the Locals in the Friendliest City
• Sleeping with the Joker in the Albert Dock
• It's Like a Dream but Better
• I'm taking the kids back to my Liverpool Childhood

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Do you have a view on this story? We'd love to hear your comments. Click comments below and tell us what you think.

I'm taking the kids back to my Liverpool childhood

Ferry Across the Mersey. I know it so well from growing up here.
Image: The Mersey Partnership

 It all starts online, like most things do these days. I am looking for accommodation for a pre-Christmas city break. I don't really have a location in mind. Barcelona perhaps? Or Edinburgh? Wimdu, the site I'm searching, has around thirty thousand properties spread across the world, so it's not like I'm going to be short of choice.

For some reason I click on accommodation in Liverpool. Now if I had to make a list of places I'd choose to go on holiday, Liverpool probably wouldn't be at the top. OK sure, it's a UNESCO World Heritage site and a former European Capital of Culture and a fashion icon and a football paradise and a Beatles Mecca. And it has what I call the whacker ducker, or if you're not Scouse, a yellow floating duck bus. But I was born and brought up a few miles away from the city and Liverpool was our nearest decent shopping centre. Basically I did Scouse for eighteen years and then I moved on.

But yet...

There's this boat. It's a houseboat in The Albert Dock. And it's not just any old boat. It provided the home for Jack Nicholson's Joker character in the Batman films. The current owner rescued it from an LA scrapyard where it had been left to ruin. He moved it to Liverpool and renovated it; installing 3D TV and six sets of goggles for holidaying movie fans. And it's available for a family in the run up to Christmas.

It's no joke. You can rent this boat! Image: Wimdu/Alfie Mack

“Is it really The Joker's boat?” asks Cameron.

“I'm going to watch the film again and compare it to the website,” says Matthew, the sceptic.

“I don't like The Joker. He's scary. Does he still live there?” enquires a rather worried Hannah.

The promise of a limousine transfer from Lime Street station seals the deal. But what else will we do in Liverpool? Much as I love my Mum, I don't want to spend a week visiting her. I look around for other local activities and remember that The Tate Liverpool has its home in the Albert Dock. I discover it's current exhibition is Alice and Wonderland. Suddenly we have a theme.

Having a theme for a journey is very important to us. It gives the trip a point. It gives Stuart and I something to focus on, and helps us get the children on board. And it makes it all more interesting. From a music tour of The Danube, to a pilgrim tour of Spain, our best trips have always had a clear theme and purpose.

The Liver Building is so familiar from my childhood, so childhood is our theme.
Image: The Mersey Partnership

I decide our trip to Liverpool should be all about accessing my long buried inner child, and seeing what the city can offer my small people. Alice in Wonderland has been a favourite book for several generations of my family. My children and I will go and find out more about Alice and her creator Lewis Carol. We may also venture into The Curious Garden, to ride the tea cups and experience some wonderland activities. As a cake obsessed family, we plan to have our own Mad Hatter's tea party too.

“Did you know that the name of the Mad Hatter is never mentioned in the book?” asks Matthew, a mine of information. “Lewis Carol called him something else, but I don't know what.”

We will find out. And sticking with galleries, The Bluecoat is asking children from all round the world to donate their milk teeth for a unique sculpture made up of teeth and resin called Palaces.

“The tooth fairy took all my teeth,”exclaims Hannah. “Where does she live? Can we get them back?” As we have no current address for the magical tooth collector, we borrow a milk tooth recently dislodged from the mouth of Hannah's best friend, and we set up a visit to the gallery.

I think about all the times I visited The Bluecoat with my own mother. And then I get to wondering. What if this trip is a voyage into my own childhood too? Maybe we should take a ferry across the Mersey like I used to, go and see the statue of The Beatles that I used to worship, visit the building my Dad used to work in; and take a drive through the Wallasey tunnel?

The Liverpool Big Wheel. Image: John Morris MOZ278

It turns out that the Wallasey tunnel isn't the only impressive underground passage in the city. The tourist board arrange for us to tour the city tunnels with a local guide. And what child doesn't like a tunnel? We can also see the city from above too; from a pod in the Big Wheel that looks down on those proud Liver Birds and the world famous architecture of an industrial city that once dominated the globe. Speaking of architecture, the kids are looking forward to a visit to the Empire State Building - well, a model version of it made out of thousands of Bayko Bricks and now in the Museum of Liverpool. And we are following in some quality footsteps; The Queen of England called in recently to check out this new museum.

Perhaps we might finish off the trip by helter skeltering through Liverpool One; spiritual home of shopping obsessed WAGS (Wives and Girlfriends). I've heard all the women walk around it in their curlers in preparation for a big night out and I pass that information onto the children who are very impressed, and then they ask me what a curler is. Oh the GHD generation!

So. Liverpool it is for our pre-Christmas break; staying in The Joker's former home, shrinking ourselves down to the size of Alice for a child's view of the city, visiting the tooth fairy's workplace and spinning high above the city I grew up in. And perhaps while rediscovering my inner child, I may end up rediscovering myself. I'm not sure that ever happened in Gotham City.

Read more from our  Liverpool Adventures: 

• You can go to the Republic of the Moon, FACT  
• Where's there's tea there's hope
• I lost my tooth to art, Palaces at The Bluecoat
• Down the Rabbit Hole at Tate Liverpool
• Danny and Yazz take us on The Old Dock Tour
• Meeting the Locals in the Friendliest City
• Sleeping with the Joker in the Albert Dock
• It's Like a Dream but Better
• I'm taking the kids back to my Liverpool Childhood

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Have you been to Liverpool? What are your must see 'child-ish' attractions there? We'd love to hear your comments. Click comments below and tell us what you think.

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Disclosure note: Thanks to the people at Wimdu who sponsored this page and provided a voucher to enable us to sample the service and bring you this story. More here about how Wimdu works. 

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Night Hike: Making the Familiar Unfamiliar

Fuzzy  faces in the moonlight

Three faces glow, lit up with torches in the pitch black. A big round one, a smaller blonde one, and a tiny bespectacled one. Like rural versions of the ghosts of Christmas, past, present and future.

“Can we go now?”
“Yes, follow me.”
“No, no, follow me. I'm the leader”
“Will the moon follow us?”
“Definitely.”
“Can we follow the moon?”
“Only if it's going to Burton Services.”

This isn't a Christmas story. This is an Adventure story. But it's not a life changing story. It's not even a very exciting story. It's the story of a Friday night hike to a motorway motel less than a mile away from our house. It's a walk we've done a thousand times, to a place we've been to a thousand times. It's where we go when we run out of petrol, or milk or chocolate. But we've never worn a head torch to go there. This is what makes it an adventure. Even the moon gets excited about going to a Travelodge if everyone is wearing a head torch.

The Stairway to Heaven? Has anyone ever called a Travelodge that?

“Mum... how long have we been walking?”
“About ten minutes.”
“How long have we got to go?”
“About ten minutes.”
“What's a Travelodge?”
“A service station with beds.”
“Do people normally walk to one?
“No.”
“Why are we walking to one?”

We are walking to a Travelodge because it is there. Actually we are mostly walking to it because we got a room in it for twelve quid by booking three months in advance. And we thought it might be fun to go in the dark. We know from our cycling that everything sounds, smells and looks slightly different; more vital somehow in the dark. The wind feels colder on our cheeks, the fields seem emptier, the the black seems blacker. Our backpacks are full of expectation and our boots are full of tread. Well theirs are. While the kids and Stuart are all properly booted up, for some reason I am in my normal shoes. And we are walking along the canal. And it's been raining for days and the ground is swampy. My soles slip and slide and I am losing my grip.

“This is really annoying. No one told me it would be muddy.”
“It's not that muddy.”
“Aargh. I've just gone over.”
“Why are you wearing those silly shoes, Princess Fiona?”
“They're all I've got.”
“Rubbish.”
“They are. The kids have all got waterproof boots. I haven't. I never spend anything on myself any more.”
“Apart from coffee's. You buy lots of coffees.”
“Can I have roller skates for Christmas.?”
“No you can't.”
“Why not?”
“Because you'll leave them on the stairs and I'll go flying. With a coffee.”

We turn off our torches and absorb our surroundings. I point out the only constellation I know, The Plough.  We walk on. But what's that noise? We pause in the moonlight. All around us there's the sound of people shushing each other in a library.

“It's the sheep, squelching in the muddy grass.” Sure enough, the sheep are slipping and sliding too.

What's that shape? Over there in the field?

We walk on. But what's that shape? We turn on our headtorches and shine them into the canal. I am startled as the amber glow picks out visions of whiteness swimming slowly towards us out of the darkness.

“It's swans. They're going for an adventure too. They're very peaceful aren't they?”

We walk on. But what's that smell? An earthy, burny smell that reminds me of firework night.

“It's the Farmers burning.”
"The Farmer's aren't burning."
"OK they're burning stuff."
“Why are they burning stuff?
“Maybe they are trying to keep warm.”

We walk on. But what's that light? It's the service station, shining like a beacon next to the M6. Above it is the almost full moon. It has led us here after all. Like the kings in the nativity following the star.

There is a room in the inn. But only for four. We have to sneak Hannah through the doors when no one is watching. We bring gifts, but not gold, frankinsense or myrrh. We bring bacon butties, beers for the adults and the Dangerous Book for Boys board game for the whole family. We kick off our boots and fall out with each other over the building of a cardboard raft. We are given six counters and told to make the shape of the 'Ursula Minor.'  But I only know The Plough. Then there's a tornado and everyone has to give back their raft to the banker. We all lose.

We turn the lights out and the headtorches off. The adventure is almost at an end.

“Can you see the moon?”
“No it's gone to bed.”
“Do moons dream?”
“Of course they do.”
“What do moon's dream of?”
“Perhaps they dream of adventures like this.”
“I think they dream of cheese.”

What's the strangest place you've hiked to? We'd love to hear your comments. Click comments below and tell us what you think.

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31 gift ideas to encourage kids to get out and adventure

What's on your list for an adventure filled Christmas?

Christmas. A time for mooching around toy departments in search of a family board game everyone will agree to play without a declaration of war. A time for buying e-gizmos that encourage kids to talk to you less and stay in their bedrooms more. A time for filling your trolley with sugar and standing back to watch as they climb the walls.

A time to go shopping. Or let me re-phrase that; a time for me to go shopping. Like many men in many households across the globe, Stuart doesn't do shopping. He's not a natural gift buyer and Christmas is something of a challenge for him, usually involving a last minute dash to the supermarket on Christmas Eve to grab a few bottles of bubble bath and some Green and Black's. The consumerism drives him mad, and all the advertising get him in a lather.

“T'is the season for goodwill? Yes. T'is the season to be jolly? For sure. But t'is the season to waste money on pointless gifts? No, sorry,” he mutters as I parcel up gifts for his nieces.

“I'm not Scrooge,” he claims as the kids tease him about his miserly tendencies.

“Yes, you are,” they reply.

“It just has to be done with a little thought,” he says, going off to have a cup of tea and a think.

In my mind that's progress. If he's willing to get involved in sourcing gifts with a 'point', it saves me time and saves arguments when the bills come in. Although Christmas is on the doorstep, there are still empty stockings lying around and present shaped holes in my Christmas shopping list. And it's not like I enjoy buying pointless gifts. If he can come up with the perfect gifts for an adventurous family then he should be encouraged. I make him a cup of tea. I heat up a mince pie and sit him down with a laptop.

“Right. A list of Christmas gift ideas that don't cost the earth and make us a better family or at least get us out of the house. You have one hour. Go.”

Here's what he's come up with: Stuart's list of things that give Christmas shopping a 'point' and his family a little adventure. Being Stuart, bless him, he's written me a short catalogue and even sent me the links! I won't be buying them all, so if you fancy any of them for your own family then do feel free to go shopping. But make sure you do it before Christmas Eve.

Stuart's gift suggestions

20 gift ideas to encourage kids to get out and adventure 

Why shouldn't Santa help inspire family adventures? After all the pre-Christmas season is even called Advent, a time of looking forward and preparing for the coming of something special; two activities that are always part of our adventures together. If you're into gift giving there's all kinds of possibilities for adventure inspiring gifts. I've been looking for things to suit all budgets, things that might inspire kids and families to get our and get active together. And this is the list I'm sending Santa, full of ideas for stocking fillers and larger gifts for teeny, tweeny and bigger adventurers. Of course I trust he won't forget to add the chocolate coins, satsuma, energy bar and toothpaste. It wouldn't be a proper Christmas stocking without them.

Gift ideas for teeny adventurers

An Adventure Book. Whether its fiction or non-fiction there are loads of books out there that stimulate the imagination. A good adventure book can help develop an interest in adventure without ever having to leave the house! And this may generate the enthusiasm needed to get out there and try it for themselves.

The Boys Book of Adventure, published by Buster Books, is boyish in character but not just for boys. It's full of activities designed to ignite the imagination and get kids thinking like adventure heroes. Once they've figured out how to deal with the challenges and sticky situations in this book, they'll likely be keen to test their hard won skills in a few sticky situations of their own making. If they prefer fiction then why not try one of the Bear Grylls Mission Survival series of stories of outdoor heroics. Or point them towards old favourites like Swallows and Amazons, set on an island in the Lake District. Or for very little ones, what about Enid Blyton's Famous Five books: five kids and a dog off out having adventures on their bicycles, like in Five Go Adventuring Again.

A mountain whistle. A small but important gift that's good for more than just annoying people. A Mountain Whistle is an essential piece of outdoor kit for raising the alarm in an emergency. Get you kids one and teach them how to use it, not just to annoy you or each other but how and when they can use it to raise an alarm if in trouble outdoors. You'll probably regret it around the house, but it could save the day if they end up in trouble outdoors.

Pocket Handwarmer. It's not always easy to persuade kids out on a cold winters day. But what if it's a chance to try out their new Hand Warmers Sometimes little things like this can tip the balance, making this a practical and perhaps inspirational stocking filler or should that be pocket filler.

Silk Balaclava. Great for SAS games but also brilliant for outings on cool days or as an underlayer when the mercury drops below zero. Braver souls could use this Silk Balaclava for camouflage on a night hike or to keep your head warm while sleeping out.

A Headtorch. Kids love torches, for reading under the covers, lighting a den or exploring the house with the lights out or in a power cut. So, why not equip them properly?

Buy them an LED head torch and take them out to test it on a local night hike. Head out on a local trail, perhaps one you know well to start with, and see how unfamiliar even the most familiar places can be on a dark night with only a torch to light the way. They'll love strapping it on their head and leading the way, like a proper explorer.

Spork Kit. A neat cross between spoon and fork. Small children like the novelty of this and you may find they want to eat with it every day. Sporks are great for picnics and camping. For that extra special person, or those with destructive tendencies you could even go for the ultimate ultra-light, ultra strong Titanium Spork. 


Gift ideas for tweeny adventurers

A Swiss Army Knife. Every outdoor boy (and quite a few girls too) dream of owning their own Swiss Army knife. Everyone knows the orginal Victorinox Swiss Army Knife with its shiny red case emblazoned with the Swiss flag. Once they have one of these in their pocket kids will be desperate to go out for the day to carve sticks, etch their name on fallen logs, and shave tinder for a fire. And you'll get to keep yours to yourself.

A Local Map and Map Cover. Some people will tell you paper maps are old fashioned, but they're still a great way to study and explore the local environment. You can look at them together, write on them, fold them anyway you want and they never run out of power. A large scale 1:25000 or 1:10000 map of your local area will show all kinds of details and is a great way to spot things you can go and explore, and for practicing navigation. And with a good waterproof map cover you can get out and about whatever the weather knowing that even if you get wet, your map won't.

Wind up Torch/Radio. If they're going to take a gadget out with them, why not make it an eco-friendly, useful one. Our kids love tuning into comedy in the tent. And when they've finished winding up each other they love fighting over who is going to wind up the torch, so perhaps one each might be the answer.

Firelighter. Campfires are great fun but you don't have to go camping to have one. And you don't need matches to start one. Get your kids a Bear Grylls firelighter and they can learn about and practice another great survival skill, starting fires, under appropriate supervision! Why not have a camp fire in the garden, roast some marshmallows, bake some potatoes, sing a song or two and enjoy a little camp camaraderie in your own back yard.

Hydration System. Keeping hydrated when out and about is important, especially if you’re exercising. Survival expert Bear Grylls says you can only survive a matter of days without water. But who's going to carry it? Hydration packs are a ‘cool’ way you can get kids to carry their own water. And if they carry their own it gives them a bit more responsibility and independence and means less for you to lug.


First Aid Kit or Book. Do your kids know what to do when they have an accident? Do they know how to treat cuts, stings and grazes? Do they know basic first aid and how to get help? With a small first aid kit they can take some basic supplies with them on their adventures and learn how to clean and treat any cuts and grazes they pick up. Most first aid kits come with some basic instructions on how to deal with particular emergencies which can be useful for learning about first aid basics. If they want to learn more you could even add in a little first aid for kids book. This present can even be adapted for the little ones. Our daughter loves princess plasters and especially loves treating dolly's cuts and grazes in the dolly hospital.

A compass. Maybe this sounds a bit old fashioned in the days of Sat Nav, Google Maps and GPS, but do your kids know how to take a bearing or navigate if the GPS batteries run out? Do they know their East from West or how to figure out where they are using only map and compass? Get them a calibrated compass and they can use it to learn the skills of navigation. With time and practice they'll be able to find their way safely around even in the dark, without need for expensive electronic aids. These skills save getting lost and in the extreme save lives.

Survival Kit. Bear Grylls is a name well known to many kids not just as the Chief Scout but also for his reputation as a survival expert. He's not a bad role model for kids interested in the outdoors and can teach us all a thing or two about survival. This little Survival Kit's mantra is: Stay prepared. Stay alive. Enough said. If you want to live, you need this.

 Bigger ideas for bigger adventurers

Day sack or rucksack. It's about time they shouldered some of the load don't you think? Older kids can carry their own waterproofs, snacks, drinks and spare clothes while little ones should at least be able to carry their own toys. A small day sack is a great multipurpose gift, useful for everyday activities like going swimming or to play sport as well as carrying gear on an outdoor adventure. If you want to encourage journeys a little further afield, then why not go big and get a full size ruck sack.

Pop up tent. Now you don't need to go camping to go camping. But you do need a tent. These pop-up tents are not just in fashion, they're practical too and often not too big for indoor use! Why not turn your living room into a campsite for a night, have your own mini festival, throw in some duvets and pillows and have all the comforts of home and the excitement of sleeping in a tent. No need for pegs or guy ropes. Or pop it up in the yard and camp in the garden. Or pop it in the car or on your bike and go camp 'for real'. Kids love camping, and it's especially exciting if they can do it in their own tent. And these ones really are a cinch to put up.

Survival Bag. More than just a giant plastic bag (although that's what it is), a simple survival bag is  big enough to get inside in an emergency to help keep you dry and warm until help arrives. They're also pretty good for keeping your bum or your gear dry on a very wet day. Bigger kids could even use them for a night sleeping out under the stars, with an appropriate sleeping bag. If you want something to help survive  more extreme conditions (and are willing to spend a little more) what about a blizzard survival bag. Or if you want something to help shelter the family if conditions get bad, or just for a more exciting lunch stop, what about a group shelter?

Bivi Bag or Sleeping Bag. If you want to go one better than a survival bag, then what about a proper waterproof breathable bivi bag, designed for sleeping out without need for a tent. With one of these in your rucksack and an appropriate sleeping bag, rated for the conditions, you're all equipped for a night of luxury under a million stars. Add in a copy of the Book of the Bivi and it's probably all the nudge you need to give older kids to get them out roughing it for a night or two.

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What inspiring adventure gifts will you be giving this Christmas? We'd love to hear your comments. Click comments below and tell us what you think.

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